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Replacement therapy

On first meeting HE said to HER:

“Have you always had short hair? Most of my girlfriends have had long hair. It’s a thing of mine”.

Part of the grieving process is trying to replace what you have lost. Some people rush out and buy a new dog when their former loyal friend dies. Some can’t, as they see the space that friend left in their lives as a deep crater. They cannot envisage another pet to replace the companion they lost.

Some of us grieve material loss; the house, the car, the job title, the ring, marital or ‘partner’ status, the heirloom, the TV the ex took when they left.

We struggle with feeling empty.

Some of us try and fill the emptiness with new cars, a new hairstyle, a tattoo, alcohol, drugs, excessive exercise, or marrying our jobs, or having a rebound fling, or several.

We might create more emotional mess for ourselves and others.

We might enter into relationships too early, or fear trying any new relationship.

We might push people who like us and and are good for us away.

We might engage with those people who are dangerous, exciting but carry damage in their soul.

We might make the void deeper, and more impossible to meld.

We make temporary fixes to the leaking doors of the heart, until the next rainstorm.

We might put up a impermeable structure that keeps the natural elements out.

What is worse?

They are all attempts to fix a problem that we fear is permanent.

Emptiness may be a problem.

Emptiness may be an opportunity to take time out and just be.

Emptiness may be the detox we need to start afresh and with new eyes.

Emptiness may pass.

Mundanity can be a blessing.

There can be solace is doing ordinary tasks mindfully. Something simple but so satisfying.

Dealing with the grey, the numbness, the uncertainty in little steps.

It’s okay to be lost, it’s okay to be broken, but we often don’t allow space for our grieving.

We wear it wherever we go, and others feel it, and sometimes try to touch it.

They may try to investigate it, or they may walk away as the sadness is too much.

A blessing and a barrier that is grief.

What we forget is the open space between. A free space to explore the deep waters and quench our thirsty spirit.

It’s deep sadness.

Sadness makes tears.

Tears tell us that we feel.

It’s okay to feel. Isn’t it?

If we don’t feel, then we have a much deeper issue.


“I know I may never have long hair again. But I can live with that, and I embrace my short hairstyles as part of who I am.

I will never be a woman with long hair. I am not made that way.

I cannot replace the one you lost, the one you grieve.

You are looking for the one you grieve, and through that veil cannot see the person in front of you”.

Then SHE and HE parted ways before they hurt each other.


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